Russo's planz, WWE's new crop of fresh young stars, and MORE!!!
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"Joe is gonna murder you!" -- Samoan Joe, 2006
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and DECIDELY MULTICULTURAL
edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm renowned pastry chef Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a lot to get to this week. But
first, a quick poll:
Which 90's star should WWE bring back next?
(A) Zak Gowan (B) T.L. Crapper (C) SHNITSKY!!! (D) Flyin' Bryan The Pill Man (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "Hey, at least our message boards don't go offline every other f'ing day".) And here's how you all voted last
time:
Say It Ain't True!: Former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle has decided to quit the lucrative world of World Wrestling
Federtainment Corporation Incorporation Limited Inc., and instead wrestle in some crap-ass indy promotion (probably Combat
Zone Wrestling) as well as entering the world of Mixed and Martial Arts (MAMA). Does the fact that he'll voluntarily
soon be feuding with, and then aligned with, Double Jeff Jarrod suggest that he's still having "wellness" issues? BANK
ON IT!!!
Forgotten But Not Gone: Because of all of the good wrestlers are retiring, quitting or dying from WWE, the company
has decided to hire back several grapplers from their glory days of the early 1990's. They include:
Henry O' Goodwin (a/k/a "PIG"): The handsome youngster first burst onto the scene in 1993 (or thereabouts) as Millionaire
Man Teddy Beassey's personal hog farmer. Shortly thereafter, he was severely injured by Savio Vegas during the
crowd-pleasing "Brawling For It All" pay-per-view special, and was never heard from again.
Two Cold Scorpion: Everybody look out, here comes Scorpion… TWO COLD! Scorpion! TWO COLD! Scorpion! Who's his
opponent? He don't care. Like the Gulf War, brother, he attacks from the air. Two Cold…
Mary Jannetty: Although he's accomplished many things over the years, many people don't know that this sexy newcomer
got his start as one-half of The Rock and Rollers tag team. And here's some trivia for you: his partner? None other
than HEARTBURN KID SEAN MCMICHAELS!!!
Rodney Max: This five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion has just one thing on his mind:
revenge for former manager T.D. Long stealing his entrance music!!!
Brad Strongarm: If his name doesn't sound too familiar to you, don't feel too dumb -- it's just because he almost always
works under masks (also the misspelling). Among his numerous aliases are Bradstreet, Arachnidman, The Blue
Blaizer, Battle Cat, Big Yellow Dog and The Giant Machines.
Say so long to The Wrestling Dog?: Rumor has it that noted bigot John "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld is set to leave
Friday! Night! Smack! Down after their next shitty PPV, because his contract with WWE expires at midnight! But I personally
doubt it, because their head office in Stanford, New York, only closes their doors every night at six p.m.! And he's
going to leave the company to become one of those goofs on CNBC who shouts out random stock picks! And he'll tell everyone
to buy up shares in Enron! But Enron isn't a very good investment (trust me on this one, folks)! And it will just be
a huge swerve to get wrestling fans to hate JLB again! Kind of like when I worked all of you stupid marks with the
PyroFalkon thing! And it will be the (second) best swerve in history ever!
EVER!!!
V-N-A?: Because their show currently sucks donkey balls, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) has
gone out and hired creative mastermind Vince Rousseau to act as figurehead "Director of Authority". As you'll all remember,
it was Rousseau's idea for Stoned Cold Steve Austen to drink beer, Vince MacMahon to become a evil figurehead
owner and Triple HHH to marry Stephoney MacMahon-Helmsley.
Thus far, Rousseau has been silent on the subtle and non-controversial changes he plans to make to the product. But luckily
for us, my trusty assistant Johnny ITR (remember him?) was kind enough to steal a top-secret document from Vinnie Russ's
desk:
Okay, kidz. Here'z what we need to do to make T&A the number one promotion in the world again:
· Take the belt off Double Jeff Jarrod A.Z.A.P., becauze everyone knowz it'z just a freakin' prop anywayz. Put it
on one of them Mexican high-flyerz (it doezn't matter who), zo that Jeff can beat the zhit out of him every week while ztill
"putting him over."
· All of our ztorylinez zhould be focuzed on my army of young, hungry wreztlerz against the old fartz bein' managed by
Jim Coronet. Reality ZELLZ, baby!
· The kidz zeem to be into thiz Samoan Joe goof, and I alwayz zay "Don't deny the fanz, no matter what the fuck
they wanna zee." The only problem I have with him iz hiz ztupid generic gimmick. Have him wear a drezz and some war paint,
that kind of native Zamoan ztuff. And give him a more ethnic name like Zahilla or Magala or Ugama or
somethin'.
· Speakin' of name changez, I think The Christian's Cage zeriouzly needs to think about changin' hiz name to…
Born Again Christian. I know from all my deep religiouz experiencez that there'z a lot of interezt in thiz type of
thing. Pluz… he'z already headed into a program with Stink. Come on -- thiz zhit practically writez itzelf!
· Okay, zo we're bringin' in Kur Tangle and everyone knowz he haz "zubztance abuze" problemz. I zay… RUN WITH
THAT BALL! Have him pazz out at ringside every other week and then we can him work the markz into thinking he'z headed into
rehab.
· Exactly when did we loze the "ztrippers dancing in cagez" gimmick?
· To help celebrate the independence of the good ol' UZ of A, I zuggest we have kidz like Jay Legal, Chris Sapien,
Shark Guy and Sonjay Duck destroy a bunch of Japaneze guys at a military baze in Orlando.
· This Ultimate X match zhit iz dated; it'z time to bring in The Ultimate V -- and then that way I can zhow up and tell
everyone how the whole idea waz mine from the get-go. Money!
· I'm glad that we're uzing Earl Hefner again as an active referee, but I strongly think he zhould be wrestling
That Bald Douchebag With The Biker Shorts on a weekly baziz. Alzo, we gotta ztart plannin' for "Montreal Incident 2"
zooner rather than later…
· While I dig the crozz-promotion you guyz have been doing with the Jerkass Number Two movie, izn't it high time
we gave the X Division belt to Jerry Knoxville? Then, the next week, he could zay he'z gonna bring out a co-ztar from
one of hiz moviez, and everyone iz thinkin' it'z Rock, but it just turnz out to be one of the retardz from The Ringer.
· Inztead of going with the tired old "choozing a manager" cliché, Bobby Rude zhould pretend that he'z really Ravishing
Ricky Rude'z kid, and that he can channel hiz dead father.
· Let'z give credit where credit iz due: WWE has pozzibly the bezt gimmick right now in our induztry in Crime Time.
That remindz me: I've got a fantaztic idea for Ron "The Truth" Killer and "Alphabet Male" Murphy Brown…
· Why the fuck did we hire Norman Smiling if we're not gonna uze him at every TV taping?
· And we have to definitely beat WWE at it'z own game: If they can rezzurect E-C-Dub, we can do bazically the zame thing.
· This Socal Val chick we have iz pretty hot, but wouldn't it be funnier if we pretend she waz really a guy? I'm
telling ya: tranveztite anglez zell ticketz, baby!
· Bringing back Lex Lugar, and positioning him az a pedophile: zurely I can't be the only one of uz to have thought
of thiz?!?
In concluzion… I think by making theze zmall changez (and alzo making me champion for a few monthz) we will once
again kick azz in the ratingz, baby!!!
And finally, speaking of bad ideas, remember the series of collectable ITR Trading Cards? I know many of you were
wondering where they went, and your answer is… RIGHT HERE!!!
That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments, suggestions or tasty recipes, be sure to drop me
a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
